How much love can you hold in your hand?
by Clouted Cankerblossom
Summary: She's pretty sure she's fallen in love, despite people saying she's incapable of it. Maybe, it's just being loved back she's afraid of. -/Jac and Jonny, set some time in the future


She could count the people she genuinely loved on one hand. The number of people she'd told she loved them? Even less, they didn't even cover half her hand.

Elliot. Much as she hated to admit it, she loved Elliot. Not in a romantic way but in a way that meant she respected him and he was the only one who knew how to really tether her down, keep her on her feet. Maybe she looked to him as a father, she wasn't really sure how she loved him if she was honest and she wasn't a hundred per cent sure he even vaguely liked her back. Maybe he just saw her as a colleague but she knew she loved him, whether he held those same feelings in return was irrelevant.

Sacha. The first person she'd go to if she ever needed a hug (not that she'd ever need hug, she was Jac Naylor, she didn't do hugs, she just knew that if she did do hugs he'd be the first she'd turn to) and the first person she'd go to if she needed to smile. Because even the ice queen needed to melt sometimes and Sacha always knew how best to do that. And, on top of giving the best hugs, she loved the fact that no matter what she did he never hated her. She always knew that, no matter how icy she became, Sacha would always put on his coat and gloves and deal with her. Maybe he didn't understand why she was like she was but he accepted her and that was enough for Jac.

Connie. She was forever going to be standing in that woman's shadow but when you know you'll have to spend your life hidden behind someone you may as well try to like them and, if you succeed, they might just pass on their shoes. Oh, that woman infuriated her but every minute of her life is spent trying to fill her shoes and she can't help but love her for that. For making the shoes so hard to fill; for entrusting Jac with them. She isn't really sure what makes her love Connie so much, she just knows that what she feels for her is unlike what she has ever felt for anyone else yet so similar to how she feels for Sacha, for Elliot. And for that reason, she thinks it's love. She knows it's love.

Now she moved onto the people she'd told she loved, the people she'd trusted enough to share her feelings with, the people she'd believed weren't going to take advantage of her love or scorn it. The people she was sure returned that love, or at least some of it.

Joseph. She still loved him. Even if he barely remembered her. She'd always held that little thought, that little wish that maybe, just maybe he'd come back for her and hold her again and tells her he loved her, kiss her again and tell her he wanted to be with her. But he never did. He never even got in contact with her, she didn't hear from him for years until he sent a wedding invite, snuffed out her dreams, blew out the candle she'd always held for him. But she still loved him, she'd always love him, no matter how badly he treats her or how little he cares about her. He had a new partner, he'd moved on. And so had she, but a tiny part of her still loved him. And she knew he was aware of her love and, for now and probably forever, that was all that mattered.

Jonny. It was the same love as she had felt for Joseph but maybe this time it was stronger, more permanent. When Joseph left she missed him, she felt incomplete but when Jonny left it was like her heart had been taken from her chest and left a gaping hole. It was like she needed an operation, someone to fill that gap. Him. He was the operation. Jonny. She loved him and he knew it, she'd told him many times and he'd always returned the statement, returned her love. That was what she needed, what Joseph couldn't give her. She needed someone to love and someone who loved her back. Someone who made her feel loved. Joseph loved her but he never quite made her feel good enough about herself, Jonny knew how to do that and he acted on that knowledge.

That's why Joseph was her thumb and Jonny was her fourth finger, her ring finger. Sacha was her middle finger, Elliot her little finger and Connie her index finger (nothing to do with that being the finger with the sharpest nail) but Jonny was the one she loved the most and the one who had left a mark, a ring on her finger. He was the most infuriating man she'd ever met but he was still the one she loved the most.

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_**notes- **i hate the way jonny spells his name, it doesn't look right in my opinion! it needs a h! johnny just looks so much more complete... anyway, hope you enjoyed, please leave a review!_


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